oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My balls are so social today.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
