in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
