I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
