There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
