i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
