I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
