you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
