in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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