So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
