I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
