I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
