So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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