Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
