i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
