direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
