i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
im six kinds of drunk right now
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
