So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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