You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They have beer where we have blood.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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