I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
