I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
