i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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