Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
