just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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