my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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