You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
