I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
