You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
