highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
