as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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