I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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