And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
