I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
