You can't motorboat a personality
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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