I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
