I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
