That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
