A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
