I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
