so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
