i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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