Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i love accidental penises.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
