i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sober January is a disaster.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
