I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Maybe he injected his testicle?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
