And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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