1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
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you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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