Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
