I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
