just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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