dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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