I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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