That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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