My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
