There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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