She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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